Postive, But Proactive, Mr. Kerry...

I will preface these thoughts with the statement that I am a simple homemaker and mom with a mild to moderate physical disability. I choose to spend my time trying to do little things to make my community better. I am a huge nobody, and I am not a Poly-Sci Major, but I have been volunteering in campaigns since I was a Brownie scout knocking on doors for McGovern. I saw you solicit opinions this evening and decided to offer mine.

Mr. Kerry, you are bright, charming and principled. My number one, must-do suggestion is that you show your smile more! There is the same infectious smile that John Kennedy had when you let your guard down with the crowds. Please allow us to see the joy of the election "ride" a little more often. I appreciate that serious challenges and policy decisions hinge on the winner of this election, but you have "it" when you are in the moment enjoying the crowd, appreciative of the support, energized by the concensus and momentum building around your candidacy.

I agree in principle that running a positive campaign is essential. The voters too lazy or too discouraged to vote use the negative attack ads to tune out on the entire process. I applaud your patience and desire to stay positive, but sir, with all due respect, despite what Americans tell pollsters they want candidates to answer personal attacks, preferrably with positive statements.

HOWEVER... in the past 12 hours I have heard nothing but attacks from the right wing when the media posed a question regarding Bush's failed policies otr past misdeeds. Already they are mocking your positions and for the time being I agree it is best to refuse to respond in specifics. Yet, ignoring the attacks doesn't resonate with voters. Analyze several failed Democratic campaigns and invariably that inherent "fairness" and unwillingness to "go negative" gets us every time.

It IS possible to go positive while still responding forcefully and smartly to Bush and his team. It's the classic "compare and contrast" model I used in about a dozen essays in high school.

Hold off on this tactic over the summer. Let Bush's team expose all of the smears they have waiting in the wing and give them all the rope they can carry. THEN, when August comes, begin to respond by comparing and contrasting your behavior and mindset.

When the Republicans show the public a picture of you in the crowd with "Hanoi Jane" simply speak about the gift of the courage of your convictions. Remind people that when you returned from the war you volunteered to participate in you became disillusioned with the reasons for it, mourned the 53,000 innocent American lives lost and had a disregard for keeping up appearances. Remind voters that you have a consistent record of working to make government accountable, beginning with your political stance after your distinguished service in Vietnam. And if that doesn't seem to turn the tide, remind voters that you have held a dying man on a battlefield while our current commander in chief has sent 500 or more soldiers to their deaths and maimed another 3000.

If the Republicans keep up with the "he never sponsored legislation" talking points, contrast your work in government oversight and in committee. You have spent 18 years trying to make govermenment accountable -- unlike this administration who blames its' intelligence agencies on its' premature and errant rush to war.

If Bush hits you with charges of soft money, contrast your leagal contributions with the Vice President still on on the payroll at Halliburton even though he sits in the V.P. office these past few years! Most people I speak to have no idea he recieves a yearly check from them. I think he is the first Veep to moonlight, isn't he?

On the subject of "raising taxes" (repealing the tax cut) and your ability to manage the economy (which the administration insists is recovering well), you can slam-dunk with the unpunished Enron energy market manipulation which resulted in skyrocketing rates and nearly bankrupted California. You can contrast your record of working for justice and oversight while Mr Bush handed Halliburton a contract without even the suggestion of a competitive bid process. You can talk about the Alternative Minimum tax, and a host of other anti-middle-class tax and economic policies. You might even want to mention that the minimum wage is supposed to be just that - a wage that provides the minimum amount of money to clothe, feed and house a family of four and NOT the minimum an employer can pay a worker. You can talk about your committment to working Americans and contrast your contributor pool with that of the President.

You can contrast your open approach to your campaign finances and willingness to vote your conscience, even when the position is unfavorable to a contributor while contrasting the ethics of this administration and its' unwillingness to hold Ken Lay and other corporate scofflaws accountable. You might even want to consider taking a position which would impose financial penalties for executives and Board members who allow pensions to bankrupt or displace or gut workforce members.

When the subject of the war on terror comes up, remind folks around mid-August that Bin Laden and the rest of Al-Quaida has not been our main focus. Speak to the merits of a focused military campaign with adequate supplies and clear objectives. Talk about the devastating effects of a military spread too thin and the toll it takes on the troops. Demand more of a presence if and when we engage an enemy on the battlefield. Remind the country that New York still has not seen any of the money Bush promised us, and does not plan on helping pay the costs of staying on high alert in perpetuity. And please. PLEASE speak about the war profiteering going on in Iraq, with gouging by charging inflated oil prices to the military. paid for not only with my tax dollars but American lives.

Mr. Kerry, please use the inexperience and "boyish" persona of our sitting president to your advantage. As unfair as it is, looks matter, and if you can be at ease and speak plainly but passionately your New England grin (faintly Kennedyesqe) will win points in simple demeanor for you. Last time the "aw shucks", devil-may-care attitude resonated with just enough Americans that Bush ended up inthe White House when compared to Gore who was unfairly perceived as lecturing the voters. (I'm past the Supreme Court decision, and it would be a mistake to bring it back up UNLESS you want to read a section of dissenting opinions in the Florida recount and then speak to the need for a majority of fairminded justices on the bench when it comes time to replace the retirees.) I don't think the president came off well on Meet the Press, in part because he tried to be disarming with his chuckles and wry smiles while speaking of serious lapses in his judgement and his administration. Contrast that with your cheerful, smiling charisma that becomes dead serious when a question is raised that deals with policy and then charms the audience with an upbeat tone and enigmatic smile.

You can win this election easily if you remember to contrast your experience and positions with the administration. Remind people that you are a man willing to take on a vital job seriously, willing to spend your days working in the Oval Office and not delegating national policy so you can dedicate a law library in Minnesota. (Not that Minnesota is not a fantastic, progressive, lovely state, but that should be the job of the V. P. and NOT the president.) I think the Gore campaign suffered from the way the message was imparted. He didn't know how to make people feel like he connected with them. Many thought him too intelligent and resented his "superior attitude" - projections, yes, but fatal ones for his campaign.

Your intellect may pose a challenge for you as well, but you can turn it into a positive if you simply ascribe your wisdom to others. Give colleagues in the Senate and other prominent Americans credit for shaping your ideals -- by inference you are linking both Republican and Democrat to your campaign and positioning yourself as a centrist and a consensus by mere virtue of your open and tolerant outlook.

I want you to know that I was leaning toward General Clark, but after hearing you speak the during the week leading up to the Iowa caucus I had to entertain your candidacy. Now I'm convinced that you have the unique good looks, charm, ability to be self-deprecating, and plain spoken kind of charisma that voters respond to. If you can use those talents to convince the middle class in real numbers that they truly have lost ground economically you will win this by at least 12%. I know that sounds nuts, but I have a lot of time on my hands and I usually predict the races pretty accurately. I am convinced that volunteering to help in any way with your campaign is not merely a matter of principle -- I'm actually going to be helping a winning team. You have a much greater chance than the pundits are willing to concede, so keep it that way!! Bide your time until late summer and then contrast, contrast, and compare!!

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my suggestions with your campaign staff. I consider it an honor to work for your election effort. I hope there is something I can do to help you win the nomination and go forward to take the White House.

J. Harsen, New York

Open Letter to Dennis Miller

Dear Mr.. Miller,


I will preface this with my heartfelt thanks for saving my ass a few years ago while I battled a particularly nasty endometrial tumor and subsequent chemo and second surgery. I taped your HBO shows and brought them to oncology to try a little edgy Norman Cousins thing. I left them behind at St Vincent's because so many of the aides in the unit said that they were in nearly constant use by other chemo patients.

So Dennis, I have to say I can't for the life of me understand how in the heck you managed to get your head so far up your ass that you can't see the Dockers for the Men's half yearly sale. I'm not giving you some half-cocked liberal rant after 12 minutes of watching your show... No, I have been watching you since you came on the air. I like the new monkey a little bit better, but even the first chimp was a witty nod to a pioneer of the infotainment genre. So why is it that the Rorschach bit and the ape are the only times I even smile anymore. I've actually thrown the remote at my television on more than one occasion! Look, for a guy who used to make my remote drop to the floor from the physical force of my guffaws, you've plummeted down the cosmic comedic food chain my friend to somewhere between Bill Safire and Soupy Sales.

For a guy who used to regularly insult everybody and everything you've gotten as pissy as menopausal debutante having a hot flash. The NFL gig was fantastic and I personally enjoyed the patter, but dude, your latest take on what passes for political humor seems more Leni Riefenstahl than Mark Twain.

This week while patronizing Scott Ritter you got indignant and freakily Rumsfeldish when Ritter used the term "illegitimate" to describe our invasion of a sovereign nation based on what turns out to be the whisperings of some guy named Chalabi who jerked off Jordan to the tune of $300 million or more. As cute as it was to see your dander get up and see you all flushed in the face when somebody insulted the honor of an imaginary casualty of war, you were so far off in right field I think even the hot dog vendors couldn't find you. Your customary wit and scathing assessment of reality was so skewed and so devoid of who and what I thought you represented I was actually enraged, but not in the way you used to enrage me. I'm really pissed at you. First I find out Santa is some commercialized co-opted religious icon and now you go partisan on my ass!

Since you seem to have let your subscription to anything but the Christian Science Monitor lapse I'll try to put Ritter's comments in context for you. You can go on about children kept in prisons in Iraq as long as you like, and you can scoff at the suggestion that equally evil bastards are enjoying not only the free reign of their country but in many cases favored nation trade status with our own country! The leaders of the former Soviet bloc nations are thugs at best and murderers at worst, but Halliburton hasn't figured out a way to leverage the situation to feather Cheney's nest yet I guess. Do you have any idea what is going on in the Sudan, Dennis? Do you know about what goes on, right now, in the Congo? Have you once chastised the politicians for blocking the international ban on "conflict" diamonds or even the CURRENT slave trade that generates huge capital for many nations we do business with on a regular basis? Do you know about the Rwandan civil war between the Hutus and the Tutsis? or is it just provocative enough to invoke a child's suffering provided that he or she is an Iraqi? Do you really want to take the position that Iraqi children are more deserving of our help than the North Korean, the Angolan, the Columbian or any other race or nationality of infant or child?

I used to live on the Left Coast and then, after I was well enough to travel we moved back to where my husband is from, New York City. His sister had friend who had a close call when the Pentagon was attacked; his family is all over Brooklyn, Long Island and Westchester. The attacks took place, literally, in their back yard. That's not to prove that my opinion counts more than anyone else's but it certainly doesn't count for less. My husband goes to work managing Manhattan skyscrapers every day and I know that he and everyone he works with is a target. The days he spends at One Penn Plaza are the worst. My brother in law jokes that since his office is above the twentieth floor he is high enough to die on impact. You see, Mr. Miller, we've learned from men like you to find even the darkest humor in the most horrific and unfair shit life dishes out to us. We can't take any of it personally.

I don't pretend to like this President or the way he moved his administration into the Oval Office but I like to think that the fact that I spend time reading has quite a bit to do with that. I don't pretend to like the pork-barrel politics that continue to dominate Congress, but at least the neo conservatives found a way to actually surprise me by outspending any other Congressional body in the history of the Republic. I don't pretend to respect a President who, for the first time in our nation's history actually ran away in fear as the nation was under attack. Every other occupant of the White House stood their ground bravely. Not one had to retrofit some cave in the Carolinas to sweat out the danger. In fact, Dolly Madison was the last American to leave the White House while under direct attack and even she stuffed all the historical artifacts she could carry underneath her dress and left out the back while the attackers entered from the front!! Yes, W. is a brave National Guardsman indeed. And every single night you beat this partisan drum of yours in a way that isn't even comical, let alone cogent.

No, I can't say that I even comprehend your position at this point, defending war profiteering and imperialist rhetoric, but that isn't why I decided to write you this evening. I'm writing you as a person who is in your debt. I am writing because you made me angry enough and disgusted enough every single week to fight to stay alive so that my children would inherit a world that was a little less corrupt than the one they live in now. I'm writing because every time I plugged in your tape or watched one of your concerts I got energized, I felt like I wasn't the only nerd out there with my Utne Reader and my bootleg copy of 'the grand wazoo' shaking my head in disbelief.

Yeah, I'm stronger now. The doctors here in New York make the docs in the Northwest look like Voodoo witchdoctors; they run tests and actually find things that are wrong that they can fix before they find a band of rebel cells that are the size of a small toaster and require a week of hospitalization, mega doses of Chromagen Forte and an anesthesiologist to excise. My boys have breakfast on the table by 7am and dinner on the table by 5:30 at night. I even clean up the apartment from time to time. Bending and walking sometimes feel like I'm being forced to do a triple lutz spin off of the high beam after bench pressing 350 pounds in ballet slippers, but the gang gives me a solid 8.5 for effort and my cane is only necessary if I have to take the stairs. I'm going to live in spite of myself, dammit, and I'm going to make this world a better place somehow. I'm still breathing, so that must mean I have at least one more act to perform, one more good idea to pass on.

Dennis, this letter might fulfill my divine purpose. I doubt it, but I have to try. Be as opinionated as you want, be as offensive as you want, but for God sakes stop taking sides. I'm serious now, you little prick - if we can laugh at the stupidity and the random tragedy and the soulless greed and the indignities that we've had to endure, then so can you. Buck up there Dennis, and start making fun of all of it. The stuff you agree with, the stuff you think is stupid, the stuff you think is sacrosanct, all of it. You're wired in a way that few people are, you're in a rarefied club inhabited by people like Frank Zappa and Gore Vidal and the smartass that my sister dated in 1981. You have the ability to make people laugh at things that otherwise would eventually cause them to snap and go out into the streets and start to burn the city to the ground.

Stop being such a fucking apologist for the right. We were attacked. It sucked, we all feel like walking targets. My best friend from Portland, Oregon, thinks Al Quaida is trying to poison her town's water supply. Her town doesn't even have a MALL it's so goddamn small but she spends like $10 bucks a week on bottled water. Now that's a story I can all laugh at because I get scared too and yet I know I am not so important that Al Quaida is going to launch a grenade at my doorstep tonight. The world is a big bad scary place, but more people died in car accidents the week of 9/11 than did casualties of the terror attacks. Death and life, politics, health care, religion, the military, race relations, AIDS, sex, drugs... once upon a time you used to play on those fears of ours and make us laugh out loud at them.

So hey, if you aren't going to start being Dennis Miller and start being funny again, I'm taking my whole wheat nachos and pomegranate juice over to 'Countdown' with Keith Obermann. You'd like him - at least the "you" I knew in chemo would - he's offbeat, he talks about the news in a faintly snide way but there are no sacred cows with him, he loves to be self deprecating, doesn't take himself too seriously. I laugh out loud every time I watch him, but I tape his show for now. You see, there's this guy I know. He kind of helped my family out by getting us to take life a little less seriously when we really needed to chill and smell the roses through the manure. And so, I am nothing if not loyal. Eventually you'll either pull your head out of your ass and get your sense of irony back or you'll sign up to man the Mars Mission and your show will tank faster than Michael Moore in a "Survivor"swimming challenge.

Your choice, Dennis.

Me? I'm going to fight for that country I know my kids deserve. And I'm going to do it with a smile on my face because I am a survivor and I know every day is a gift. And they are going to learn that anyone in the public eye is a total buffoon more often than not, and the peculiar joy one can derive from such public stupidity is beyond euphoric, it often reaches the sublime.

See you at Nine.


the curmudgeon