Relentlessly, my television and radio paint Ronald Reagan as a hero, statesman and patriot. My sons, impressionable, open sponges ask why I seem frustrated. The disabilities I deal with every day with a measure of grace are too much for me this weekend.

As a parent, I weight the gravitas of the office and the man, the sheer weight of the omnipresent media speak, my spiritual beiefs to do unto others as I would have done to me. I do not wish to bring pain or anger to those who are hurting.

Then, these young faces, half men, look to me in wonder. Why, if this man was so great, do we not have his biography next to the all too human figures of our American heritage? The lives of Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, even Nixon have thier place in our home; Adams, Stevenson, Kennedy, Roosevelt - both FDR and Teddy - Rosda Parks, Carter, Johnson and others grace our shelves. We speak of these men and their ability to overcome thier personal flaws and predelictions in order to ensure that collectively we embody the principles of our government. We don't shy from the dark sides of these figures, rather we celebrate their ability to do so much good that the shadow they carried touched few. Several were openly hypocritical. A few, so rigid in their beliefs that they seemed destined to secret lives. But Ronald Reagan has not been spoken of, nor his presidency.

The time has come to deal with Reagan, for better or ill. I cannot begin to explain to these children how such an anomaly of Presidential politics could take hold of my dear country. For the eldest at nearly 14, "Veil" and one other tome sit, high on a shelf filled with essays, waiting for his review. For his younger brother, no nuanced answer will clear his confusion.

I pray, for Reagan's family and friends, and for mine. I ask that those he enriched be filled with a desire for more than self-satisfaction and a mandate to contribute fairly to a country that affords them so much luxury for little or nothing in return. I pray for those Reagan wounded, or worse, with his personal strictures and sand-lines drawn with no appreciation for the dissimilar, the grey area, the 'immoral' or worse.

In a way, my mea culpas give me my answer: in passing, more than this man has died. The ability to say one thing and do another has passed with this man.

The union leader who concerns himself only with the profits of producers cannot live in our world anymore. I lived through a house of mirrors where the safety net of welfare was a source of disgust and greed was celebrated; where running a tab you could never pay back was acceptable but being homeless was not; where soldiers were held up while in uniform as penultimate patriots while their pay and health benefits were threadbare and they suffered from even worse deprivation out of uniform.

I lived these things, and suddenly I realize I lived these things at the same age as my eldest son. He is ready, he is byond ready, to decide what kind of person he wants to be, and what sort of world he wants to live in. He can demand a standard for himself and those who govern him, and if he is lucky I wil have taught him that the standards are the same. So, in essence this is what I told them:

"I know that for the next week we will hear much of this man and his legacy and try to remember that some people really need to tell themselves that this is what Reagan accomplished. For a fortunate few, his policies were a boon. But in our home, we have a different way of measuring success. You've heard us remind you that the TV and the radio don't tell the whole story, and this is one case that that is very true.

"It isn't enough that your teacher or someone else says that this man was great. Learn for yourself what it is that you admire. Participate in any activities commemorating this president you like, but remember one thing: we consider a successful man to be a man who can be trusted, whose word is sufficient proof of the truth; a hero a man who does what is right and not what is easy; and it will be an honor to call you our son if we can look at you and know that you have been loyal to those you know, determined to play by the rules and not simply through easy opportunism.

"Even if you are the man of the year, even if I hear a thousand people tell me how great you are, if I cannot look at you and see a man who is honest, decent and moral I will love you but I will not be proud of you. You will have failed in my eyes if you use or discriminate or harm others. You will have failed in my eyes if you cannot manage to be a good and decent person while making your way in the world. Your father works next to the Trump Tower, in Real Estate, and shares nothing with that man. One building is governed by greed, commercialism and the idea that theres only so much to go around while your father lives by the idea that there is plenty for everyone, that until proven otherwise a man is a good man, that if it requires a lie or breaking a law it isn't worth it.

"Despite the cheers of the world, despite the claims of saving this beauracracy or that set of ideals, I do not mourn for who Ronald Reagan was. I mourn for who he could have been, the surface persona that could have deepened, the self-absorption that could have extended beyopnd his small world. I mourn for those who think that a smile and the ability to lie well are measures of greatness, and I mourn for a country whose fourth estate seems consumed by an elite who worship such petty ideals.

"The last time I saw this man, he was smiling in open court while pretending he did not remember how and who defied the rule of our Constitution. I had tried to believe that he had no idea what he was doing, I had heard so much from the TV and the radio that I believed the stories after eight long years. But when I saw him, smirking, lying, about the law, the only thing that makes us different from Iraq or Afghanistan or Russia or any other place, I made up my mind for myself. You have to do the same, with this president, with this time. One day you will see for yourself whether or not this was a man to to mourn for what he was, or for his unrealized potential."

I know that Senator Kerry has removed himself from the campaign for a week. That is why he will make a remarkable President and I would not get elected dogcatcher. I find it difficult to allow others the luxury of their self delusions. For the next week, our TV and radio will remain silent. Perhaps, in the absence of the shrill insistence that Reagan was a saint, I find my way to discover something that was genuinely good about him. Already I owe him the gift of a life lesson to pass on to my sons. For that, I can say with sincerity, thank you.

Jean Harsen
New York