AULD LANG SYNE, version 2006.2

The world is neither flat -despite Thomas Freidman's excellent arguments in his tome to the contrary - nor round, but rather an icy grey. In other words, January has come to New York.

In the spirit of the ninth day of Christmas, as the ladies dance across our collective psyche, I raise a glass to the old and resolve to embrace the new.

Farewll To....

...Constitutional freedoms, which seem to have gone the way of the Dodo thanks to W's ship of state infesting our island of democracy with rats released by the Patriot Act. Congress may loose the mongoose of Patrick Sullivan's prosecution, or try to have Chertoff herd his cats at the FBI ATF INS CIA etc to try and restore balance to things, but this is only because W and his pals don't have any idea what mongooses, cats and rats have to do with Dodo birds. Hence, my adieu to liberty in my lifetime. Apparently we are all going to have a crash course in history, repeating what our leaders seem incapable of learning.

...The gaucho pant or "skort" which seem to be the eeevil genius of fashion designers who embrace neither the female aesthetic or the necessisty of clothing to function in the most basic of ways. Unfortunately, capri pants and other ludicrous styles of clothiung will still be embraced by my sisters still incapable of demanding comfort, style and affordability from an industry that spends at least 30% of its costs on self congratulatory expenses. Micheal Kors rejoice! There are still seven women left in New York who are willing to wear your shoddy crap. Praise Jesus.

....Speaking of the King of Kings (no, NOT Budweiser, you apes) a long lavender look back on the xenophobes who ignited the anti-Holiday rants this Holiday Season. If you were looking to increase attendance in church by appealing to the most biased, hypercritical and stupid amongst us, I think your plan MIGHT have back-fired. The Messiah must have been proud to see so many screaming, red-faced, sweatpant-wearing emissaries of His word attempting to encourage others through the myriad uses of bull to embrace Him as their personal savior. The bull-horn, the bull-y pulpit, bull-ying and of course bull in its purest and most scatological form. Merry Christmas, knuckle draggers, and so long.

...That scratching sound you hear is the major labels reusing all of the free 60 hours of AOL! CDs sent to households over the last two years. Due to the enormous costs associated with repackaging the same seven songs into however many covers performed by various artists and bands, the entire world could care less about music. That clapping sound you hear is Frank Zappa applauding the death of the suit wearing, soul sucking automatons who up until now enjoyed control over the supposedly free airwaves on the radio and television dials. XM and Sirius are a serious threat to the livlihoods of these useless hacks, and good riddance! Indie radio has been the realm of punks and metalheads too stoned to venture to the clubs, but true folkies and indie artists who create pleasant, lyrical music had no venue or platform that was accessible to any label. No more - satellite radio offers the most innovative sounds for the least money, and without the pay-for-play stickups at the points of distribution and airplay. With Britteny and Ashlee and Mariah as the only choices on the dial, who wouldn't prefer Stern?A concept whose time has come, the free markets of satellite will make the garage band in Massachusets as accessible as Howard Stern, and perhaps aid a generation of listeners into refining their palettes.

...A Ta-Ta to ignorance and greed this year. What was once considered a necessary evil is now just gauche. Excess of every kind will be in bad taste in the coming months, beginning with the Abramoff investigation and ending with the Lay acquittal (though he will be a pariah, an outcome I once thought beyond the ken of the American public.) Moderation and recycling will be in vogue, beginning with recycled tech gadgets in the hurricane zones of the South. CIO, CFO and CEO pay rates may be capped by Congressional mandate if not public pressure. Jack Welch, beware: a gravy train near you may be ready to run off its tracks.

...And a final farewell to "Bubbles" of every stripe. As the world teeters on the precipice of global deflation, environmental degradation and the threat of multiple pandemics in the form of AIDS SARS and H5N1, let us bid a fond farewell to the cheerleaders who pose as journalists and analysts while pimping the stock market, the real estate market, the natural disaster cleanup market and for all we know the herpes zoster/bunion and blister markets. While bubbles are pretty when blown by little children with magic wands on grassy hilltops or even tolerable when a byproduct of the cleansing foam from a bar of soap, bubbles are nothing but the gaseous byproducts of pontification without fact which is bouyed by the listeners desire to be told that they are not idiots for paying 600% more than they can afford to purchase a broom closet with beach accessat a mere 6.5%. That BOOM you hear echoing in the distance is the sound of one world economy falling down around Greenspan's ears as he boards the shuttle for Scottsdale.So long, suckers!

But don't consider the ramifications of these partings to be nothing but doom and gloom. In fact, 2006 looks to be a terrific year for lots of things, so long as you didn't have your heart set on democracy or freedom of the press or economic stability.

Say hello to...

...The return of the Brit-com. The four mega-corporations who control almost every channel on the dial cannot abide an uppity New Englander making the media look bad, so expect a Brit version of Jon Stewart to grace our airwaves by spring, gov'nah! Giving a regurgitated version of a rehashed version of a tamed down Daily Show, expect a pink cross between Tony Blankley and Benny Hill to moderate. Also expect this fare to blow like Shamu the Whale with asthma -- within a month it will fall flatter than Jimmy Kimmel Live.

...Speaking of the bright side, expect solar energy to make a resurgence in scientific circles. With the micronization of technology, solar tech will adapt and shrink battery and panel size to increase utility applications and enable all sorts of solar powered vehicles, homes and other innovations at home and abroad. An I-Pod that runs on sunlight? I remember my dad's old solar powered adding machine, a contraptions whose energy gathering panels were larger than my current claculator.

...Comedy Central becomes a powerhouse. With the demographic dream team of affluent and young viewers, CC will emerge as a source of "fake competition" (sports) and "fake marketing" (evinced by America the Book). Chappelle's Show is back, Carlos Mencia is becoming hotter and we all can be inoculated with a 'syringe of truth' thanks to the ministrations of The Colbert Report's "fact-free zone". (You are laughing right now. I nailed ya.) Comedy Central has rebranded itself to appeal to a wider demographic by courting talent with diverse backgrounds but no overt racial skew. Mencia is an equal-opportunity racist (thin-skinned Eskimoes beware!) while Chappelle careens on the other side of the avenue scoring the zingers that no other comic could successfully score, going deeper into the territory In Living Color skirted at its inception. (Hip-Hop, Wayne Brady, OJ, black bias, etc)

...Self-employment increasing, median incomes may actually go UP for the first time in a generation. With the exodus of manufacturing and now administrative positions, the displaced and disabled workers are now beginning to carve out a niche for themselves, on their own. This group will swell thanks to GM, Delta and a host of other government-protected corporations whose layoffs could be a source of economic devastation, but won't be thanks to the American Spirit. Ray Croc would be rubbing his hands with glee; the rest of us are rubbing our hands to keep warm, but neccessity is the mother of invention.

...The television show of the year will be The I Word, daily on CNN beginning this summer. Expect a rather mundane and dry narrative in the spring leading to the explosive jump-the-shark moment when Congress votes to impeach a sitting member of its own party. (Beyond the level of ignorance, the lapses in judgement will be so glaring that the decision will fall into the realm of him-or-us.) Think arrogant white men in tuxes. Think undisclosed locations. Think neo-con agenda. Still don't know? Neither does Lynne, and that's the true crime here, she seems like such a nice lady, too.

...Terry Pratchett winning the Pulitzer Prize for writing intelligent and hillariously biting social and political commentary. School Boards from Pennsylvania to Oregon will add these fun, ironic novels to required reading lists. Sophomores everywhere will decide to remain in school and a fortuitous decline in dropout rates will result. The political parties will find the increase in graduates will not help their party base, however, as Pratchett's absurdities will inform the newly minted consumers with a strong Libertarian streak.

...I-Net indie reportage and analysis. (ee accompanying article)


Happy Happy. I resolve to write more, talk less and pray about the same amount I did last year. And I resolve to be more cynical about the general and more trusting of the personal. And I want to lose 10 pounds on the raspberry-and-diet-cherry-coke-diet. John Basedow, look out.

the VC